Monday, October 21, 2013

There is Always Time to Feel Blue

Why do I say there is always time to feel blue because just like the inevitability of seasons, my time for descending into the realm of feeling blue is here. This is not about troubles of deep depression but more with oscillating human emotions at certain times of day or week or month or year. Perhaps it has to do with changing of guard when Spring ushers in Summer which leads to Fall and that eventually brings us to closer to winter. Everything must give way to the next and change is inevitable. Yet the Earth spins, Sun rises, tides ebb and flow, birds sing; it's strangely unwavering, steady and comforting. Amidst this chaos and wonder, we struggle to find one unchanging point within rest of chaos. Some call it Life. Some call it the Dance of Shiva.

For the past week, it has been gloomy, doomy and glum; hence I have become glum. Just keepin' pace with the weather. Southern gentleman, JJ Cale sang ain't no change in the weather, ain't no change in me. But, there is a change in weather. It is turning dark before time, days are getting shorter by minutes and weather permitting, I am allowing myself to feel blue. It is not the deep envelope of mourning; it is not the heavy covers of depression I am hiding under; it is also not the debilitating mode which renders everything redundant; this is a blue hue brought on by none other than the weather. 

I must hear mournful music of which there is plenty; I must hear one song on a loop till the loop itself is ready to loop around itself. I must stop what I am doing, stand still, close my eyes, listen to the strings that tug at the heart. Everything moves in slow motion. My walk is slow, my thoughts are slow, my driving is slow; impatient car horns come at me in gentle waves. I am fretting with Landreth's guitar frets, agreeing with Sufis' plaintive cries to their beloved whether earthly or heavenly; savoring the poignancy of moments, once gone will never come back in the same form.

There is a sense of longing and loss and desire, for what, I do not know. Poets got consumed by this question and died of consumption. Philosophers lost their minds and wrote volumes about it; Scientists were able to sort out some then quickly dismissed it with God does not play dice. The Buddha found it under a tree. So, if Saints can suffer voluntarily and the world can cause suffering, why can't I give myself the luxury of feeling blue especially when things are not actually blue. A friend Rob Gunter from Yahoo asked whether something of beauty could at least imperceptibly ratchet the cosmic wheel toward a setting less blue? To which I say, who has been able to stop the wheel from going into its own direction, of a color of its own choosing? Blue is beautiful; to feel the cosmic wheel spinning in a sea of blue, is beautiful; to see blue shifting to black and specks of  red and orange streaking across its face is also beautiful. I will be steeped in the blues for a while.

Recommended Books for reading and enjoying:
After Lives of the Saints by Colin Dickey
I loved Jesus in the Night by Paul Murray.